My boyfriend I have been going through a constant struggle because we are both, well, imperfect. However, these past couple of weeks have been literally hell. I did some stupid things while me and him were on a break..nothing scandalous I swear, but still it was enough damage to break a fragile heart. I talked to the same guy that ruined our relationship the first time and some idiot I met on Tinder the few days I was actually on it. Stupid, stupid mistakes, I know you don't have to judge my words with that nasty expression you might have on your face. I deeply regret it because I realized those other guys mean absolutely nothing to me. The only legitimate reason why I did that, was because when I'm sad..I'm depressed..so finding something that will at least make me temporarily happy, I'll vulnerably go for it. Doesn't mean I actually caught any type of feelings for the person.. I kind of just do it to fill some kind of void. Little did I know, trying to make myself momentarily happy..meant I was deeply hurting the person that actually was there for me all the time. But I bet he knows how sorry I am by now because I probably apologized over 1000 times and cried like a sobbing baby to his face plenty of times...
Some of my friends and even family might read this because I have sent the link out to my page. If you keep up with my blog than you'll know that I have wrote about my struggle in the past with having the will to move on with my life. So when my boyfriend and I got into a pretty bad situation, I had the urge to return back to my old ways and not really care about my life anymore..if you know what I mean. Even though we've been through some pretty crazy experiences this past week, it shows how much we really do care about each other...in a weird way. He stood by me when I was a complete mess, wanting to run into oncoming cars, wanting to butcher my arms and just never see the light of day again. He held me close in his arms and told me everything is okay, that humans make mistakes, but it doesn't mean they are the scum of the earth or that they're completely worthless people, it just means that they're lost.
After that moment, everything has been really tense between us and for me trying to break the ice was enough to rock the entire boat instead. Back to the old yelling and fighting in front of my family, just not happiness..which is understandable, but there's only so much of that yelling and scolding I can take before I snap. I had to calm us both down (I also held his phone hostage so he couldn't leave until he "found it") and talked to each other about what we truly wanted out of each other before fully giving up.
I feel like it was exactly what we both needed. Just stop, think about the bigger picture, stop over thinking about the past-they're things you can't change no matter how hard you try.. You know it's all worth it when you can go through hell with each other, tell each other you never want to see the other person again,..but then crying with each other, holding each other, saying I love you STILL and meaning it. Figuring out a solution and a way to make sure you never lose that someone again.
Once you feel like you found the one, don't let them go..don't let them slip away from your life that easily. You worked so hard to keep that love alive, don't let them leave the grip of your hand. You have to realize what's more important and are you really going to be happy with that person gone. Now don't think I'm being dramatic here...life isn't like the fairy tale's you read in books. Appreciate and love everything that makes you happy...
When you see their smile for the first time.
When you hear their laugh for the first time.
When you're crying and they wipe away your tears.
When you feel empty when they're not around you.
When you wish you were next to them all day for everyday..
..You'll know when you find the person that is worth it all when you first meet them, trust me.
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