My Acne Struggle..

So if you know me, you'd know that I've been struggling with acne for over 4 years now. It's been an incredibly hard struggle and sometimes I just can't seem to deal with it. It consumes my life entirely.

  There are days where I don't want to leave my house, where I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I feel almost ashamed and embarrassed that I let my face get in the worst condition that it is in right now. In my head and in my mindset I see myself as this ugly, disgusting person that no one should want to be around. Looking at my reflection then looking at my boyfriend, I wonder what he really sees in me. Why is he always lying to me saying "You're so beautiful." Lies. Lies. It's all lies. I don't see that "beauty" that he sees. Who could ever see the beauty in something so ugly? You're basically telling me things I want to hear, but I know they're all lies, so your words don't fool me.
  
   I go to sleep praying that I wake up and all my acne will be gone... but then I wake up and I see all the scars, all the redness, all the anger and frustration. It gets to me, it really lowers my self-esteem and drives it down to rock bottom. I've cried over it, I've got uncontrollably mad at it and sometimes I'll  just say, "F**k it!" and go outside with no makeup on.. yeah you read that right. That's a rare moment when I got out in public with no makeup on, so you'll most likely never see me without it unless you're close family member and even so I still feel terribly uncomfortable.
   
   I do have a very weird relationship with my acne. I love putting makeup on to conceal all my imperfections and just feel flawless for at least a couple hours. Then there are days where I don't even feel comfortable going to work in a hot, greasy, environment without it on. Makes no sense really. I've been trying to find confidence though because I'm going to go on a strong medication soon to get rid of all my acne for good!
 
  Accutane to the rescue! Accutane is a very strong and effective medication that will get rid of acne for good within 5-6 months. It's a high dosage of Vitamin A that is promised to work. Although there is major side effects, this is my last resort. I've been on all the acne regimens in the book and been to a previous dermatologist who was a major pain in the ass and didn't do anything but yell at me every appointment. #JERK So I was very happy that I found this new dermatologist that recommended this product to me. I've done my research and although I'm very nervous, I know this is what I have to do to get the results I've been yearning for. The only catch is to go on this medication.. you have to go on birth control if you are sexually active.... but that's another story...