Never Good Enough

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough for someone.. everyone? For me, it's with my parents. I always feel like in some way, they expect more from me every time I try to give them my best.

Today I just taped, edged my entire room and painted half of it on my own. My dad comes home and yells at me for not finishing the tops of the wall. When I told him I wasn't tall enough, he yelled at me again and he kept going on and on about it. It just doesn't stop, he keeps pummeling me until I feel like I'm six feet under. The one time I tried to paint my entire room by myself and he just shitted all over my pride. This is one of the minor situations that happened where I felt like they didn't care about my pride, it was just one that happened to occur less then 10 minutes ago. It just hurts you know? I was so happy to show him my hard work and sweat that I've been working on the entire day and he comes home from work bashing on everything.

These feelings of worthlessness haven't been the first time they've popped up in my life. I've been at that point before, believe it or not. When I was younger, I was so used to making my parents proud and hearing those words were even more remarkable. I did every sport, every activity just to make my parents happy and proud of me, but from doing so many things so young, I got real tired of it real fast. Growing up and not being able to have a social life with friends or even time to just relax and enjoy my childhood, got really overwhelming. So when I told my parents I just didn't want to do them anymore, that's when they started treating me differently. They saw me as lazy, worthless, good for nothing, unproductive bum, loser... and for a while.. I believed it. That's why I've been feeling so unmotivated for the past couple of years.

Last year when I told my parents I started to miss soccer, I got out of retirement and jumped right to it, signed me up and I got right into it with one of my old coaches. That was the best season of my entire soccer career, I just didn't care about how my parents felt. I didn't care if I messed up and they were yelling from the sidelines, I played the game with my heart and not trying to impress everyone but myself. AS you can expect, they wanted me to play next season, but I felt like that season was my last "hoo-rah!" and I didn't want to. The season after that, I decided to give it another try before I couldn't play recreational anymore, until I got a jerk coach I had in previous years. He was one of those coaches that took rec soccer like it was the World Cup. As you can imagine.. it was hell and I just wasn't feeling it. So I quit, and my parents tried to pressure me back into it, but I wouldn't let them. Now I feel like they hate me for it and just don't see me as a successful person in life, because I keep quitting things that my heart just isn't set on.

Their opinions matter the most to me and it hurts to feel like your own parents don't support you in anything you do. Like I said before, this isn't the first time any of these feelings has happened, I just thought I'd give everyone the gist of the smaller situations in my life.

By 18 years old, I have realized.. but not fully grasped the concept, that you shouldn't have to feel like you need to impress everyone. You need to live your life for you and disregard anyone that tells you, you aren't good enough. You are good enough and you can and will be loved. No one is worthless, you are important to someone and if you don't think so, then I'll tell you, you are. I care and I hate for people to feel the way I'm feeling right now. You are good enough and you will succeed once you put your mind to something. Stay positive and chase your dreams. I might feel worthless right now, but I can guarantee once I do something for me, I will find myself and continue to be happy.

Writing helps me to take my anger and frustration out on things that I'm upset about. It helps me clear my head, so that's probably why you might catch the pattern of me being mad about something but learning as I write and then seeing the solution. Life is a learning experience, so be open to everything/everyone and grow off of it.