Some days I'd just sit in my room and cry myself until I fell asleep and others I'd think of ways that I can be with her again. Meaning.. ways to take my own life. I'd walk around my house and school with a straight face and never spoke to anyone, including my teachers. I had few friends but I didn't care, I liked to be alone. I remember specifically going back to school on that Thursday of the week she passed.. I was on the bus to school and I was crying. My best friend looked over to me and said, "Amber...are you okay?" I replied in the smallest of voices, "I'm okay." She said, "No you're not.. why'd you come to school today?" I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders and said crying, "I don't know." We got off the bus and I ran to my locker to cry. It was hard explaining to all my teachers when they asked, "Why were you out so many days?" Chocked up I'd say, "My grandma passed." and I'd blank out every other thing they'd say because those words just didn't feel real yet.
From that day on, my dad would say good bye to me from my house door to watch me walk to the bus stop. Before I left, everyday he'd say, "Amber, just be happy. I'm so sick and tired of seeing you so depressed and unhappy. I want to see you go to school for once with a smile on your face." I never replied back, I just left angry because it's like no one can understand what I was feeling.
No one except for my mom. It was her mother and we shared the same emotions. So some days when the pain just felt so unbearable, she'd come into my room and we'd cry together. I remember the day after my grandmother left, I had a dream of her where we were playing on a playground and she got stuck in the slide haha. I don't think it had any real meaning obviously, but when she was stuck, she looked up at me and started laughing and asking me to help push her through. Now that I think about it.. I think I know why she was asking me to help her... I think maybe.. seeing me everyday was pushing her to stay alive. Truth be told... in my dream... I never succeeded in pushing her through the slide... which is probably symbolic to her dying. Later in my dream though, she was jumping in a bouncy house having fun and laughing and looking so healthy. Which probably symbolizes heaven and how you're supposed to be doing things you couldn't necessarily do when you were living.
I woke up and was so happy to tell my mom,grandma was okay. However, days passed, weeks passed, months past where I never had another dream about my grandma again. It made me so incredibly sad and alone. I finally had a small glimpse of happiness in my life and I wanted it to stay forever. Things got harder and life got more depressing. One day I tried to take my life. I filled up my bath tub when my parents weren't home and laid down in the water, with just my nose and up, above the water. I sat there crying, saying to myself why? ...why?... why? I sat there for a long time before I realized I couldn't do it. I unplugged the drain. Quietly washed myself and got out. I sat on my bed with still my towel on and looked at the ceiling fan. Blade after blade after blade going around by so quickly.. it gave me an idea.
I never cut in my life until this year. I always wanted to because I thought I can't deal with this emotional pain, so I'll give myself physical pain. I know it's a silly thing to want, but when you're put through my shoes, you'd understand. The beginning of this year, the heartache of my grandmother came again and harder. I cut with an eyebrow trimmer blade I had in my room. It was a dull blade so it hurt even more. I was only left with one small cut because I was just too afraid. I tried to take my mind off of the bad struggles in my life and of my grandmother so..I just relaxed and did things I loved to do. Then I met my boyfriend. He completely took my mind off of every bad thing I was going through. I cried to him about my grandmother and it made me feel better because instead of cutting, I went to him and he hugged me and told me it was okay.
One day, he got me really mad and we were fighting the entire way home from his aunts house. I'm still so used to not opening up to anyone. I don't like talking about my feelings because it doesn't help, it doesn't make me feel better. I don't like other people knowing my business like that. So I stood quiet. Once we got to my house, I found my voice and yelled back at him screaming that I didn't like talking about my feelings to him. He then went on to talk about why I was with him then, he felt like I didn't love him. I finally broke down and said, "You saved me." He looked at me and I said, "Ever since my grandmother died, I've been trying to kill myself and just end it all. Get rid of all the pain, but then I met you and you saved me." He quietly grabbed my body to his, hugged me tightly and said, "It's okay. It's all going to be okay, stop crying I'm here."
Lately, however, I have been feeling like I'm at my absolute breaking point. I'm in that dark place again and I thought being with my boyfriend meant that I wouldn't be back there ever again. I've been feeling useless, worthless, and abandoned by everyone. I feel like no one cares enough to see if I succeed or not. They just brush me off. College expenses don't help either. I'm a middle child; between an 21 year old and a 2 year old. I can barely afford college and I can't afford a way to get there or the books to study and do homework with. I felt like my parents, friends nor my boyfriend cared because all they said was, "good luck trying to find a way back home. LOL." Later that day, my boyfriend and my friend were texting me telling me to quit school and work. Then my boyfriend continued to yell at me saying how dumb of it was of me to be going to school knowing I don't have the money for it. Aren't you supposed to be supporting me and motivating me to finish school?
Feeling so low and completely torn down with no one to help me get up back to my feet.. I cut again. This time, it was a little bit more serious. I used a razor that my dad used to use around the house. I cut 8 times, but this time I actually saw the blood pour out. I told my boyfriend I cut myself and I was going to cry myself to sleep now. He replied saying that it was dumb of me to do that and judged me completely. To make him feel like shit for treating me badly, I sent him a picture and said too late and stopped replying. He went on to say how it was unfair of me to send that to him and says how is he supposed to sleep knowing I did that. How about you stop worrying about yourself and ask me if I'm okay? Not getting a response for about 20 minutes, I cried myself to sleep. My mom came barging in and went on to say that my boyfriend told her I was feeling neglected and I cut myself. Not understanding what was going on she called me "fucking insane" and "an attention seeker" and walked out of my room. Later my dad came in and yelled at me for 30 minutes. I text my boyfriend back saying how dare he reveal my secret to my parents. I have been keeping my suicidal and self harm a secret since 2008. I felt so violated and I hated him for telling everyone including his cousin and his girlfriend about my situation. So I told him I wanted a break and went to bed.
Now looking at it, I can tell it was some form of him "caring" but it still upsets me that it had to come to this level. It's still messed up how he told me, "Don't expect me to wait around for you though because what you're doing is uncalled for. Hope it's worth it." That's not a text from someone who's supposed to love you. All day yesterday we didn't talk and today it's still no communication whatsoever.
However, last night I did have a dream again. To my surprise.. it was with my grandmother. I ran to her and gave her a huge hug. She was so strong and powerful that she lifted my feet off of the ground and I remember specifically seeing the white ground. As if I was in heaven with her. She held me so tight and she whispered in my ear, "Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay." I missed my grandmother and knowing that she still cares for me even though she is in heaven healed my broken heart. She came to me when I needed her most and took care of me. I woke up with a smile on my face and all I could think of was saying "thank you grandma" and smiled at the heavens. I will try my hardest to not cut anymore and no more thinking these suicidal thoughts.
Thanks for visiting me last night grandma. God knows I really needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay since no one else would. You always knew when I needed a hug. I love you.
Rip. 1/13/37 - 10/28/08
**If anyone has issues with suicide/ self harm, please feel free to message me on here or tumblr, twitter or my ask.fm. Links are on the top left**
Rip. 1/13/37 - 10/28/08
**If anyone has issues with suicide/ self harm, please feel free to message me on here or tumblr, twitter or my ask.fm. Links are on the top left**
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