You Can't Change People...

It wasn't until last night talking to my cousin miles& miles away from me that I realized.. you truly can't change people. Even though no matter how hard you try, they're always going to be the way they are because they don't see the importance of changing.

Being with someone for so long, it's hard to fathom the thought of ever being separated. But this past experience I went through really opened my eyes. I can't change him.. I can't make him be in a committed relationship when all he wants to do is do him because he's "in the prime of his life". I can't feel worthless because when I ask to go out to dinner (within two years we never went out to dinner just the 2 of us) and make future vacation plans together (because it makes me happy) and be told that he resents me or that I stress him out or that he never trusts me. And I actually do a lot to make him feel appreciated by texting him letter, leaving notes in his lunch, writing posts in my blog for everyone to see.. I rarely ever get a note to feel appreciated or even loved.

I used to look at this human being and feel every feeling imaginable. I used to look at him and feel safe and at peace and was head over heals in love with him. Unfortunately, now I look at him and feel back-stabbed, disrespected and unloved. I reflect on it and feel like I wasted my energy trying to make him into a serious boyfriend that he just isn't. It's a tragic story because I actually thought he loved me....but you don't treat someone you supposedly love like complete shit.. you don't act selfish and worry about things in your life only.

Being in a relationship means sharing everything and going through things together as a couple. And he just didn't see that. Cars are something that is very important in his life, I completely understand that....but I exist as well. I deserve to be put first and not have to be told I have to wait two weeks to probably not go to dinner, because in two weeks that money will actually go to his car. I had enough of crying out to show I exist, but instead I get called stress. Although he sincerely tried sometimes (as I happily reported back to my friend) the arguments became nastier and nastier and there's only so much I can take before I feel completely worthless. This was that final straw.

I packed his things up today and cried because I thought we'd make it to the very end as I wrote in notes I gave him. I packed prom pictures up, notes from senior year, emptied his drawer in my room, put all jewelry in a garbage bag since that's what I've been feeling lately to him...like garbage. I am in very much pain, but I've had enough with feeling like I'm single within that relationship. I can't change a selfish person, that 'doesn't want to worry about a relationship', to love me. It's simply impossible. So I'm throwing up the towel. Maybe it'll work out some time future, but for now..I have to deal with reminiscing memories in my head until I cry myself to bed.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry I wasted your car time. I'm sorry I am unlovable.