"There's Two More Lonely People In The World Tonight"

"And there's two more lonely people
In the world tonight
Baby, you and I
Are just two more lonely people
Who gave up the fight
Yeah, wrong or right
Well you know my heart is aching
You don't have to break it
If love don't change your mind
Then there's two more lonely people" 

This breakup has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever endured in my entire life. And I've gotten my ass kicked by 6 people for 3 minutes each while I had an injured hand (for mma purposes). Had to overcome my own inner struggles with self harm. I've felt completely worthless in this life. I went into a deep slump where I would stay in my room all the time and not even make eye contact with my family for days. I would go to school pissed off at the world and wondered how someone could live with such heartache after my grandmother passed away. 

..but nothing feels more devastating than feeling your heart ripped out of your chest after years of genuine love. I haven't been in this slump for 2 and a half years and now that I feel I have nothing again..those feelings have returned and I hate this position. I hate this mindset where I look at the world and see nothing. These past weeks I've gotten a hint of it so it kind of prepared me for this slump. I started to feel unloved and as rough as it may sound would fall asleep crying and wake up wondering why I even woke up. What kind of life is that to live?..It's not. But of course I could never tell anyone that.

Yesterday he came to my house so I could give him his things. Although, his idea of fighting for me was saying once, "is this really what you want to do?" And hurt beyond belief as any person would do, I simply walked away. Not even a "wait!"... or  grabbing my hand and saying "Really Amb? Stop, let's talk this out I love you and I can't live without you!"........he just took off. Not one other word to me......

It wasn't until that moment that I felt nothing but emptiness. Cold, lonely, emptiness. You might seem it as a bit dramatic but no one will understand the adoration I show towards someone that I feel has full potential to be a life partner. It wasn't until I got that after-breakup text that kind of finalized everything for him I guess, since he never texted back to my response. That killed me inside. If it wasn't exclusively just a metaphor than I believe my heart strings would have snapped in actuality. I kind of feel betrayed because usually we can't help but to continuously text each other since our love is too strong...but I guess it all started to become worn. I just feel like it's never really over for me no matter how many times I might put up that kind of front, but I guess it is really over for him and I feel so helpless and very alone..How do you go from depressed to true happiness back to full blown depressed ?

As much as I want him to respond to release this pain, I can tell he wants to move on. He reads my blogs so... I hope you know how much I'm hurting. You think I want to be separate for some reason but the only reason I wanted a break was to give us both space since I could tell you didn't want to be near me as much. And I don't want to be near someone that doesn't want me around them. I do have genuine love for you and I am in no way shape or form happy about this turn out. But as I said, I can see you don't want anything further..I'll go on then. I'm not searching for love anytime soon, so if you are then just know that that's okay....search for your happiness. I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you.