Not Sure What To Feel...

I'm not sure who reads my blog posts since I post them publicly over social media, but I want to give you a little blurb of who I am so you can relate it to the purpose of this post.

I am an emotional person. I get emotionally attached to anything and everything because I feel like it all has a purpose in life. Doesn't matter what it is. So when I'm sad, I cry. When I'm happy, I cry. When I'm frustrated, I cry. When I'm angry, I'm overwhelmed because I can never portray this feeling all the way through... so I cry.

I am also a forgiving person. I like to give people multiple chances because I believe everyone can improve. I don't like giving up on people, I like to see them become better, not only for me necessarily, but for themselves and the people around them. If you do something "bad" to me, yeah I'll be upset momentarily..but would I give you up because of one small incident? Most likely not. And it's not a weakness, it's not a flaw. It's my heart and it definitely always has good intentions, always.

I am not a happy person. Considering what I've personally overcome in the past, I try to be happy. I try to see the good in everything/everyone. But back then, I was this miserable person and I did't even realize it honestly. I just was going through the motions of everyday life. I wasn't really living. I would wake up, look in the mirror, cry and get ready. All with the same expression-less face. I had no emotion other than numbness. Every morning in middle school, my father would wake up just to walk me to the door and watch me walk to the bus stop. And every morning he would say, "You need to be happy. You can't just get through your life and be miserable all the time." But nothing ever phased me, I literally felt empty. I've been emotionally scarred from my past that nothing anyone said to cheer me up effected me.

And now, I realize that I will probably never know anything different. I can be temporarily happy, and yeah that helps. But I will never be fully happy. And I've kind of come to terms with it for the time being. Today I asked myself in between classes, "Should I drive to the other parking lot to avoid this nasty downpour? Or should I walk and let it cleanse me?" Let's just say the water felt refreshing. I don't know what it is about the rain and beaches that make me feel calm and at ease. I guess it's because of the bustle of the water against the coast or against rooftops creates the noises for me, so I don't need to feel them myself. I can just let go and not think about everything all at once like I always do.

Lately, I've been feeling like I can't get a hold of my emotions. One minute someone makes me happy and the next minute they crumble it in the palm of their hands and toss it in the trash. As if it were nothing of any importance to them. You argue with me and the next thing I know you're kissing on me and saying "I love you" and I'm sitting there emotionless, trying to figure out exactly how I want to feel. I genuinely feel like you like to make me feel crazy. I'm an emotional person and here you are playing around with them. You create fights out of nothing and again leaving me confused where I stand. I even try to apologize for what I did wrong multiple times, then you keep going. Then 2 hours later blame me for not trying to end the argument. My brain and my heart especially are so hurt right now.

So I ultimately assume you want me out of the picture. So here we are...