....Death

I don't mean to get on a sad topic or to depress anyone here.. but it's time I buck up and talk to everyone about a scary topic for me...death.

When I was younger I always had these weird instances where whenever I thought about death or watched movies where people died... my heart rate would slow down as if I myself was the one dying. It would slow down and I would breathe very slowly and not as often as I normally would. And so it would make me feel like I'm taking my last breaths of life. While this was happening I would zone everything out and think and feel how it would be like to close my eyes for the last time....

Once I would snap out of this crazy day dream.. it was hard to get my breath back. 

I would breathe really hard almost like I got the wind knocked out of me, gasping for air..

When I finally got my breath back I would cry and cry and cry. This situation happened more than once in my entire life. To this day I still have those odd daydreams and I still cry at how real dying feels to me. It's so scary to practically feel like you died but then returned back to life if you really think about it. And it started for me at a very young age.. I can't even remember how long to tell you the truth. 

I refuse to watch scary movies that involve killing, torturing or murdering of any kind because it just makes me have those terrible day dreams. My boyfriend thinks it's silly for me to no watch scary movies..but when you go through the feelings that I go through.. you wouldn't want to either. 

No one will ever understand what exactly I feel which sucks so extremely bad because no one will ever relate to how I feel and help me out with such a terrifying feeling. 

I told only my closest cousin about what I am about to express to everyone now... sometimes I imagine different situations in which a series of unfortunate events can happen where I die. It's kind of like Final Destination.. but the things don't actually happen (obviously, I'm still here). And I only pray you guys do not judge me for this.. but it is true. No matter where I am, what time it is, if there are people around me.. I feel like the car door will swing open and I'll fall right out and get run over my a 16 wheeler. It's hard to be happy living with such a horrible curse like this. I hate being fearful that one day those visions are going to come true. I want to live and I want to be happy that I am alive and well.. but it's so hard when all you can imagine is negative things.

I believe 110% strongly believe in God and I know he will keep me safe. He is my savior and my protector. My Grandma is my guardian angel and I know she's always watching to make sure I don't do anything stupid. I thank God almost everyday that these visions are untrue and that I am alive and well, I just wish it all would stop.

If you have these scary weird daydreams& visions like I do.. please message me to help me cope with these feelings and I'll help you as much as I can as well. Thanks everyone. Be grateful for your life because it is a gift.