Social Anxiety& Strain On the Heart

So last night there was a bit of a mishap in the case of my relationship. My boyfriend and I planned to have a pretty good Friday night together filled with shopping, dinner and a movie. And I have to say.. I was pretty darn excited..except when he got a call from his cousin. He asked what we were doing and my boyfriend told him our plans and said that tonight was solely dedicated to us having a night out and his cousin left on kind of a sour note. Naturally I felt bad... thinking that I would be a good person, I told him to call him back and invite him to have dinner with us and possibly his girlfriend. He didn't hesitate for even the slightest second and immediately called him.. well okay then.. looks like you really didn't want to be alone by those quick moves. He agreed and my boyfriend and I went shopping.

After he rushed me which.. by the way guys never rush your girl when she is shopping it only frustrates the hell out of us.. and I became a little annoyed. Still having the flu, I became a little irritated that he was rushing so much to go out to dinner with his cousin and not enjoying the moment that we had originally planned. I started to realize that maybe this wasn't the best idea and that we should probably just even go home because I was starting to feel a little "off". He grew mad and partially annoyed at this point saying, 

    "Well then you shouldn't have agreed to go out with them! This is all your fault! I was the good boyfriend in saying no it's just going to be me and you and you were the one that messed everything up! Now we're stuck going out with them and this is all on you so do not blame me!" 

At this point I was completely frustrated and did not even want to look at this person in the face anymore. Ignoring his comment and feeling my doubt come into full effect.. we left to meet up at his cousins house. Once we got there my boyfriend asked who else was coming with us... his cousin went on a 5 minute rant about who was coming and how hot his girlfriends friends are and a bunch of other potheads that I have never even heard in my life. I despise awkward situations. SO DO NOT EVER PUT ME IN THEM.. which is something my boyfriend loves to do that pisses me off. Not only do I hate awkward situations but I hate specifically going into restaurants with people that I never even met and that my boyfriend knew everyone because I knew that he would ignore me the whole time leaving me to hide away on my phone..thus making me look like an asshole. He says "His girlfriends even more shy than you are." UHM hellooo.. all of her fucking friends are going to be there! And on top of that according to his cousin, they are all "smoking hot".. I have really red acne scars and even makeup can't fully cover them so I still have my insecurities and I do not like to be around other people that are described like that because I feel like I will be instantly judged and my self-esteem will be fully diminished. 

As we take what seemed like the longest ride of my life to get to the restaurant, I start to freak out even more and now it's to the point where my bitch mode is in full effect because when I'm quite and mad.. that's when I think about everything. 

            *I mean I only agreed to this whole thing because I thought it was just his cousin and I thought he was coming with US, not us going with him and not 15 other people.* 

What he said to me in the mall saying how we were "stuck" going.. when we actually weren't. It's not like we're on a plane to our death.. we are driving our own car to a restaurant you can tell your cousin that I wasn't comfortable and that we were going home and turned around. Well he did half of that... He called his cousin when we were around 5 minutes away and says, "Uh yeah we're not going anymore because Amber doesn't feel like hanging out with anyone and doesn't want to be around us." First off, I'm not an asshole and I do not see myself higher than anyone to make them believe that "I do not want to be around any of them" so he was the real asshole in that. I just simply did not feel comfortable and he should have accepted that and moved on. Sure be mad at me.. we just took a 20 minute drive in silence and I made you turn around but you didn't have to do what I didn't think you were going to do next.

As predicted, the whole ride home was silent until he decided to yell at me again in which I replied with "Shut the hell up" and he was quiet. Once we got to my house he said let's just talk about this.. and after he just embarrassed me in front of his cousin and his friend I didn't want anything to do with him. Not holding on to me like he normally does when he wants to seriously talk.. I felt alone and upset.. and I just simply left to my house. He turned off the ignition and followed me to where I was and I yelled "JUST GO HOME AND LEAVE ME ALONE." He replied saying, "No Amb. I'm just going in to get my stuff." At first I was just thinking his pj's that he left since he slept over the night before, until I saw him take his paintball medals he gave me and all his clothes from the drawer I made specifically for him. This infuriated me that he would ump me over this, so I took off the necklace he gave me for Christmas of '12 and I threw it at him. Not realizing it, he took it and threw it at me wall and fled downstairs so he can explain everything to my mom. I heard him and it just fueled my fire. I saw the necklace, put it back in it's case and threw it off of the second floor and near the door to where he was standing. He picked it and left. 

After that I did what every girl would do after a break up... change your Facebook relationship status to: Single. Later deactivate the account because you don't want him to try and talk to you on Facebook in front of everyone. Took the little heart out of his name in my contacts and also the picture that would pop up every time he called so it would just look like every other contact on my phone. Got some food and put Bridesmaids into my DVD player to eat my feelings out as I cried with Annie Walker about our shitty lives. He texted me at 9:25pm saying just simply, "Goodnight." And I never bothered to text him back. I turned my phone off and listened to the song of my emotions, "Say Something" and I fell asleep at 3am. I woke up to a text that said, "Last night was ridiculous and you need to apologize to me." That's when I laughed and turned my phone off again. 

It's becoming that time where I am seriously tired of the fighting and am considering ...other options.. He always said to me that if we broke up, it'd be hard for me to find another boyfriend as amazing as him.. but secretly I think that he just wants to taunt me so that I will start to believe it and I'll never leave even when I am unhappy. And I'm seriously starting to think things through and see what I am going to do. I know I love and deeply care about this guy.. but he's put me through so much and he acts like he's the best, when half of the time I feel my heart sad and heavy and wanting an escape route out of this crazy town. 

I do not know what I am going to do, but I want everyone to just not be afraid of love and don't be afraid to leave it if it's not what you expected. I know I have some major flaws like having social anxiety around people I don't know and quite frankly don't want to know (because I know I will never have a true connection with them) especially in restaurants that I have never been to. It's weird, I know. But that's me and if you can't accept it then you don't know me and you don't deserve to be with me...

I just wish things happened a little differently that's all...